(Howling from the kitchen)
ME: (coming downstairs). Go on then. Is that happy howling?
12 yr old GIRL: Noooo Nooooooo! He’s got in. Trump. It’s Trump! My God! What is WRONG with these people?
ME: (that’s dumbstruck silence)
8 yr old BOY: (coming downstairs) What? Trump got in? That’s a nightmare.
GIRL: You’re telling me! It’s a catastrophe!!
ME: (more dumbstruck silence)
BOY: Someone needs to tell Dad. (He scampers upstairs. Then comes down again) Dad says ‘ha ha very funny and have I packed my PE shorts as he’s sick of being my servant or whatever.’ It’s a disaster! And Dad thinks we’re joking.
GIRL: Oh Emm Gee – this is like, the worst thing ever ever ever. Like, 8 years ago, Mum – I was 4 – and *he* (jerks head at brother) was sat in his high chair there, slopping his food everywhere and generally being totally repulsive – so *he* won’t remember it. But *you* were getting all … crying at Radio 4 …. ’cause Obama got in and you thought it was like, dead important because he was black and a dude and all of that. So what the hell has gone wrong??? Someone tell me!!!
ME: (even more dumbstruck silence. I had no idea she remembered that. Oh crap. What else can she remember?)
BOY: Yes it’s all a disaster. I’m so depressed. It’s gonna be World War Three. We’re all gonna die. But … heyyyyy!!!! (looking out the window.) Cool!!! Look at the snow!! There’s snow everywhere! Ah, wow! Cool! Can I get my snow boots, Mum. Please please please!
GIRL: (flares up) What is WRONG with you? This is the worst thing EVER! And all of a sudden you’re happy because IT SNOWED!! You are SO shallow! A bit of snow and you suddenly forget about Trump and the end of civilisation or like, whatever?!
ME: (finding voice) Well. You might as well let him enjoy the snow. Trump won’t be doing much about climate change. You may well not be seeing snow for much longer. But the world might well enjoy many more incidences of letchy old fellas getting away with groping young ladies.
GIRL: (in a wonderful impersonation of Trump’s voice) So that’s ok, then!